Hi, I'm Anxious

Have you ever been caught out doing something odd like making faces at yourself in the mirror or sniffing your own armpits, and found yourself on the spot trying to explain it away? That tension, that desperate search through your mind for any other excuse is exactly how I feel when I realise I've inadvertently mentioned that I'm at home in the middle of the day, on a weekday, when most people should be at work or in some sort of education.

Being a social dog walker, I meet new people almost daily, and some of them I spend enough time with to get to know closer. I love meeting new people and learning about their lives, which as an anxious soul is a little out of character - but there's something that I just can't get enough of when it comes to listening to other people's stories. From what I know about how to socialise, it seems we just drop hints into the conversation on what we do with our days. My Mum will mention something about being in a school and after the always necessary "oh you're a teacher?", she then goes on to explain that she only works in the background and then further on to discuss and share thoughts and ideas with the new acquaintance. Being in my situation, I miss out on this form of bonding.



Sometimes in these conversations with new faces, I'll mention something about what I do with my time. Usually, this means implying that I've been at home in the middle of the day when most 20-somethings would be busy. I stifle myself once I've let this slip, waiting for them to ask what I do. More often than not, they don't. I assume everyone just jumps to assuming they misheard, or that I am in fact extremely lazy. What they don't assume is that a mental health problem could be behind it all.

Despite how it sounds, truthfully, I want to be asked what I do. I'm not afraid of talking about it, I'm afraid of bringing it up myself. If another person opens the door to discussing my anxiety then any discomfort they feel is on them, but if I start it I feel so much remorse for pushing a taboo topic on them.

I'm not embarrassed about who I am or what I do. It's basically a full-time job for me to talk openly about my anxiety. I'm not sensitive to questions, in fact, I welcome them. I'm proud of myself and I see the importance in helping others learn about such rare disorders like my Agoraphobia. The issue is always with how other people feel about it. I never know what a person is going to say. I never have high expectations but there's nothing quite as uncomfortable as someone responding with "oh you just have to take deep breaths and keep going, ey?" ... Thank you for your kind words but 4 years of panic attacks can't be fixed with deep breathing.

Explaining that my anxiety means I find it hard to leave the house is tough to do when I am in fact outside my house. I have to follow up every revelation with "it's getting better though, a year ago I never would have come here" because when you say mental health, people want to see mental health. For those who are unfamiliar with mental illnesses, it's hard to see how anyone could be anything other than totally broken or totally fine.

I'm well enough to walk my dog, not to go to work.
I'm well enough to go shopping, not to be in education.

I hope for a future where it no longer feels like I don't have the privilege of talking openly about who I am. I hope for a world where I get to fully immerse myself in meeting new people and sharing my life just as much as any fully functional person would do. For now, all I can say is, ask me. Don't fear the possibility of the conversation taking a turn you might not be prepared for. All I want, and I imagine most others like me, is to be as normal as everyone else. I want to talk about my interests and my life, it shouldn't matter that I don't fit into all the same categories as other people my age.

I want to talk about it and I want to be honest, but I've also been taught over the years that I don't have the freedom to start the conversation myself because I can't force anyone into an uncomfortable position. Ask those questions, get to know people even if the conversation won't be as small talk-y as we're used to. You never know how interesting a person could be, or how much your life could be changed just by getting to know someone.
(also I promise my anxiety stories are witty and hilarious, never sad and uncomfortable)